Anouchka Talks

Today is my oldest child’s birthday. Several years ago, when she made me an Ummi, I thought motherhood was supposed to look like this: I know better now. “Mom, I drew a picture of you because this is what your face always looks like.” Guess which picture is going on my wall.

Schadenfreude - the pleasure derived from the misfortune of others I was going to save this post for Mother's Day, because I felt that it represented an appropriate reality of what it looks like, day-to-day, being a stay-at-home mom.  But then Lady Wisdom came a-knocking (on my skull with her have-some-more-grey-hair-stick) and I thought, Why the hell would I wait for Mother's Day?  Every damn day is for someone else, so I'm going to share this post NOW.  Maybe it will help someone else by either making them laugh, or giving them a good dose of "Wow, I'm a waaay better mom than she is" schadenfreude.   Anyway, as an obligatory disclaimer:   this post has somewhat more profanity in it than my normal ones do.  I usually try to keep this blog space a little bit less sweary than my brain, but since there are direct quotes included from my real life, I wanted to keep it as raw and real and representative of moms like me as possible.  Please enjoy... ...

DISCLAIMER:  This post is full of TMI and graphic descriptions.  If you are uncomfortable with either of these, please stop reading now, amateur. "How are you feeling?" asked the nurse as she strapped the blood pressure cuff to my arm. "Like shit," I replied, not meaning to startle her with my perhaps too direct response. Perhaps both of you recall my past complaints about my postpartum body ( here  and here ).  Long story short, I was apparently never made to carry babies, nor to deliver them.  Of course of all the women in the world who want to be mamas, I am probably one of the better ones to be blessed/cursed with this issue.  I never felt the need  to carry my own children for nine months; I was fine with "outsourcing" it.  Ever since I learned about adoption as a little kid, I knew it was something I wanted to do, regardless of whether or not I was able to have children myself.  In fact, I hated being pregnant, and still have no ...

Please forgive me for moaning and groaning...yet again. As many of you know, I have recently experienced a few physical health issues over the past couple of years that have really set me back.  Between baffling patellofemoral pain syndrome and severe diastasis recti , I feel that I have had my share of ailments that, two short years ago, I had never even heard of. Last month marked the latest chapter in my PFPS saga:  I finally broke down and went to an orthopedist.  After over a year of bilateral knee pain, I'd had enough: I had been to my family physician (who also happens to specialize in sports medicine), an osteopathic specialist, two physical therapists, and consulted with an athletic trainer (whose services I could not afford out-of-pocket - thousands of dollars, just when I learned that I was knocked up). I religiously performed multiple sets and reps of every exercise they recommended:  inner thigh, outer thigh, quads, hips, glutes...only to be inf...

Hulk is a pretty good sleeper.  She typically goes anywhere from five to eight hours a night before waking up for a midnight snack, a snuggle and going back to bed in her crib.  It wasn't always this way (as any parent of a newborn can recall), but with lots of dedicated effort, patience, and love, we made it to this point. Spending every day for the past three months with my little nugget has brought me two things:  great joy and unending headaches (more metaphorical, although there is the occasional literal  headache).  Just now, I had to let her fuss herself to sleep for a nap (note that she did not cry  it out - those were not sobs, but rather barks of protest) but I will be rewarded with the most beautiful grin when it is time for her to wake up. Perhaps one of the most frustrating lessons I have learned in becoming an Ummi is the crisis of the postpartum body.  I have already whined and moaned about my deformed midsection so I won't continue...

On January 7, 2014, my life changed forever when Habibi and I welcomed our baby Hulk into the world.  After three months of violent "all day" sickness, six additional months of a low-risk-but-high-intensity pregnancy, about 22 hours of labor, four hours of pushing (at least two and a half to three of which involved crowning), a third degree "starburst" tear, and one operation later, I was finally able to hold my wiggly little girl. I worked hard to earn the title of "ummi." As I was going through pregnancy, labor and delivery, and the subsequent postpartum period, I didn't realize that my experience was unusual; I simply thought that everything I went through was standard procedure.  It wasn't until later on when my somewhat befuddled doctor informed me that I ended up having more sutures "down there" than I would have had I opted for a voluntary c-section, or that most women don't push for four hours and tear that bad, or that m...

Well, chickadees, we did it.  Habibi and I successfully made, grew and delivered another human being.  Needless to say, Anouchka Talks  will be silent for awhile...but not forever. :) A brief synopsis of our baby story... On January 6, 2014 (a record-breaking cold day), we went in to be induced at 7 am.  We began the process at around 8:30 am and, throughout the rest of the day, other inducing methods were used (from prostaglandins to oxytocin to manually breaking my water) and, eventually, things really got fired up.  By 5:45 pm, I was having contractions painful enough to merit an epidural, though I retained most of the feeling in my left side. On January 7, 2014, I began "pushing" at 2:09 am.  Exactly four long, rigorous hours later, we welcomed our beautiful daughter, Hulk, into the world via vacuum extractor.  (The booger wouldn't budge  for hours, even after she had begun crowning!!!)  Delirious from exhaustion, emotions and drug...

A week ago today, my yahbah (dad) finagled an additional ultrasound for me through one of the residents he works with at the university hospital where he is employed.  (Hee haw!   Shookran, Yahbah! )  Sometimes, it pays to be manipulative. That's the hand at the top, giving a "thumbs up" Later that day, I had another pre-natal appointment.  When I spoke with my doctor about the ultrasound, he informed me of the three estimated due dates that they had on record from the various clinical due date calculators they use in his office:  December 27, 30 and 31.  The ultrasound reading stated that Hulk's ETA would be December 30, though she won't technically be considered "late" until January 1. Today is December 30.  Still no signs of drama. These past two nights have been quite gruesome, to say the least.  Saturday night, I spent breathing through intense pelvic cramps between sips of apple juice to keep my mouth from over drying.  ...

If you are bothered by pregnancy-related, borderline "TMI" language, stop reading now and just scroll down for the recipe.   You have been warned.   (Insert maniacal laugh.) No, I am still not enjoying pregnancy.  Thank you for asking. Our due date is rapidly approaching and I cannot help but beg  God to let Hulk come a little bit early (not too early... healthy  early) for a variety of reasons.  Of course, many of these reasons are selfish, but the main one is that my doctor is going to be out of town on our due date AND the subsequent five days!  This means that if our little booger decides to show up on time or just a few days late (a significant possibility given that this is our first kid), a stranger will be delivering my baby. Dammit. Any pregnant woman is well aware that being "with child" (I have elected to use this term today only because it is Christmastime and Mary was not "knocked up.") basically gives license to almost total stra...

On November 19, 2012 I sustained a running injury that has benched me for an entire year.  After running my usual route for (at least!) the bazillionth time, my right knee painfully protested even one more step.  My left knee shortly followed suit and, since that time, I have been condemned to the stationary bike. Oh, the shame of pedaling and pedaling and never getting anywhere. As November 19 rolls around this year, I find myself reflecting on the one year anniversary of my running tragedy.  After insisting on working my body to the breaking point for the three months following my injury, I felt that God was nudging me to stop obsessing over working out so that I could focus on some other areas of my life that needed work.  No longer was I to obsess over food (well, I still do, but not to the same radical degree as before) or the number of calories burned on a 13-mile run (over a day's worth - think of the pancakes I could eat with a day's worth of calories!!!...

If you've ever been pregnant before, you know full well that, somehow, your pregnancy brings out the best and worst in total strangers.  As I've mentioned in previous posts, this isn't necessarily a result of people being malicious or anything, but sometimes they just say rude and thoughtless things. Or they just plain weird you out. Today was a normal day of lifting at the gym.  As I readied for a second set of pre-natal-wicked-she-man-iron-pumping, I removed my earbuds to readjust them.  The moment I popped them out of my ears, a sweet, little, old lady rocking a seven-and-a-half-pounder (I say this without sarcasm:  Good for her!!!) approached me and said some very kind things about my belly in comparison to the rest of my body.  After finishing our short conversation, I popped my earbuds back in and resumed my workout. So far, so good. No sooner had I stepped back to my bench when a squirrely man in his early-ish sixties approached me, pointed at my...

Whew!  It has been a busy month!  Correction:  It has been a lazy  month.  Prepping for Hulk/Annyong's arrival in December has taken quite a lot out of me and, as a result, I have been neglecting a lot of things.  In fact, here are a few things that have fallen by the wayside since my last post: Writing and posting on Anouchka Talks Anything not involving  New Girl, Breaking Bad,  Parks and Recreation  or Christmas music Regular showering Vegetables Keeping up with long distance friends and family via email and/or Facebook Wearing my retainer (Shut up.  Bet my teeth are straighter than yours, you old hag.) Baking/making ridiculous amounts of dessert Imaginary band practice for my imaginary band, The Backyard River Shrimp (Buy our album on iTunes in Novembruary) Herb processing/dehydrating for the winter To give you an idea of how this pregnancy has taken over our lives, let me tell you what Habibi and I did to celebrate our...

Summer is drawing to a close and, along with it, so is my second trimester.  I am delighted to say that during the past three months, I have enjoyed (relative) comfort and a renewal of energy.  Granted, I still have some common pregnancy complaints, but the symptoms of this trimester pale in comparison to the violent mayhem of its predecessor. Ever since Habibi and I went public in late June, people began offering unsolicited advice.  Some of this advice is valuable and appreciated, but most of the time, I'm just tired of talking about being pregnant because I'm tired of being pregnant .  With just over three months left in this game, the days can't pass by quickly enough.  Fall is my favorite season of the year but, at this point, I am ready for a frost... ...because a frost means that Baby Hulk/Annyong will be here soon.  (Due date:  December 27!!!) It seems that I am one of the few women on earth who doesn't "just love" this "magical" state...