The Venus of the Midwest

Lunch devoured by 10:50 am.  Impressed?  You should be.  I was hungry at 9:30.

After many years of working hard to achieve and maintain my non-pregnant physique, I have decided now to readdress my goals towards something that I know I can attain.  So now, instead of aiming for Madonna's arms or Tina Turner's legs, I am striving for this:

Venus of Willendorf
ca. 28,000-23,000 B.C.

Allow me to introduce you to the Venus of Willendorf.  This chubby broad hails from the town of Willendorf, Austria (hence her name) during the Paleolithic era.  An iconic image of the period, she is frequently studied in art history classes around the world; you'd be hard-pressed to take an introductory course and not spend a few moments discussing this portly, stone-carved ass lass.

Much like her Upper Paleolithic Italian cousin, the Venus of Balzi Rossi (or the thousands of other "Venus" figurines discovered throughout history worldwide), the Venus of Willendorf is so old that archaeologists and art historians can only surmise her intended purpose by making educated guesses based on her physical traits.  (Note that her name is not specifically "Venus," but she -along with many other similar figurines- was given that name upon discovery, as Venus is the Greco-Roman goddess of love, sex, prosperity, beauty, and fertility.)  Her exaggerated female features leave little about which to speculate.  Still, is she representative of a goddess?  The ideal woman?  (If only...)  Something religious?  Perhaps an erotic figure?  (This final guess leaves me questioning the tastes in beauty of our distant ancestors...)  One common guess is that she is intended in some way to represent fertility, a crucial element in the survival of the human race.  For obvious reasons, the notion of fertility would have been particularly important 30,000 years ago.

So why is her physique my new goal?

Because it's easy to attain in two simple steps:

Step 1:  Get knocked up.

Step 2:  Eat everything in your house and everyone else's house.  

(Note that Step 1 is probably optional; you'd just have to be willing to bring it in Step 2.)

Don't hate on this bod.
Our Paleolithic ancestors thought she was smokin' hot!

One thing that I cannot help but notice is VofW's lack of a face - a commonality among many Venus figurines.  The reasons for this are somewhat mysterious but, in the past, I had always believed that her non-identity was simply because she wasn't intended to represent any one individual, but rather an idea (such as fertility).  However, since becoming pregnant, I often feel that I have the same helmet of curls covering my own face.  No I have not grown a beard (yet), but my face is becoming less and less the focal point of public greetings with family and friends.  In fact, it is rare that Anouchka is greeted before her belly.  I am no longer involved in conversations as my midsection seems to be taking over.  Beatitudes and soliloquies are directed at my abdomen, while my face and arms seem to be "in the way" of the intelligent and meaningful discussions being held with my belly button.  As my body parts are increasingly personified, I begin to spend a lot more time as an observer of social exchanges, rather than a participant.  So, perhaps VofW's physique is my new goal more by default than by necessity.

Maybe someone will make a mini stone carving to commemorate me for millennia to come.  We'll call it the Venus of the Midwest.