My Feet Taste Gross

Throughout my life, I have had countless occasions to insert the proverbial foot in my ol' gob.  For example, on our second date, I told Habibi that I had no intentions of ever getting married; I once thought vegetarians were silly; I proudly proclaimed that I would never go jogging unless I was running away from something...  You get the idea.

You would think that over the course of time, I would learn to keep my mouth shut.  While I have been able to lock it up for the most part, I still occasionally find myself thinking in extremes.

One of my biggest pet peeves is hypochondria.  So many hours of time are wasted dealing with hypochondriacs on the exam table - hours that would be better spent dealing with "real" illnesses.  Perhaps I feel this way because my Yahbah (dad) is a physician, and I have heard numerous stories on the over-diagnoses of various ailments including -but not limited to- the following:

• Fibromyalgia - While a very real disease, this is the middle age (and up) fall back for "I'm lazy and moving across the room hurts my whole body.  Nothing you prescribe will ever help me and the only reason I am sitting on this paper and paying you this doctor bill is because I want you to swoon over me and dole out your pity.  Now I'm off to haul my fat ass to the grocery store and I'll be needing one of those motor carts so that everyone at the store can see how miserable I am."  Shame on false-claimers for making us second guess the people who truly suffer from this condition.
• ADD/ADHD - Let us not forget what was perhaps the most over-diagnosed condition in children of the 90s.  I believe the acronym stands for "Parents who cannot discipline their otherwise normal children."  Again, this is certainly a real disease, but simply over-diagnosed, very much like the autism diagnoses of this generation of young'uns.
• Food allergies - Many people who swear up and down that they have food allergies really do not.  It is likely that they have a form of food sensitivity, but an allergy implies that there is some sort of anaphylactic reaction to a substance.  It takes only a little skill in math to compare the numbers between anaphylaxis and other reactions in common offenders/allergens.  (In fact, I think it can be summed up in a "greater than" or "less than" lesson.)  

It is this last "disease" upon which I shall dwell for the remainder of this post.

Remember how I said I often think in extremes?  Having done so just now (by unfairly categorizing individuals who claim to have the above ailments), I should think my viewpoint rather obvious.  In order to remain somewhat politically correct, however (too late already?), I admit that each of these diseases are real, and that it takes considerable effort to overcome each one.

Now, I will try not to gag on my own foot...

For quite some time now, I have been experiencing great stomach pain and bloating on a near daily basis.  After eliminating a number of things from my diet to pinpoint the offender, I have come to realize that lactose is to blame.  So here it comes...I am lactose intolerant.

*gag*KKKKHHHLOOGH*cough*NNNNGGGHOOUUU*sputter*GGGRRRLLLLLGGGLEEE*hack*FFFFPPPPHLEGM*gurgle

(That was me choking on my foot.)

Being lactose intolerant sucks.  It means no spontaneous froyo, smoothies or milk shakes, controlling myself at wine and cheese parties and studying labels more intently than I already do.  What a nuisance!  Not to mention that dairy has been one of my primary sources of protein (since I eat very little meat) and now I'm having to cut back.  WTF???  I'm in my mid/late-twenties!  Why has this not surfaced before now???  (Apparently, that's typical.)  

Good news:  I've picked up some off-brand Lactaid and, so far, that seems to help with cheese.  (Praise God for this, since Habibi and I are going to France this fall and I WILL eat my fromage.)  

Bad news:  Unfortunately, I tried it last week with yogurt and still felt like I needed to fart a dinosaur.

Good news:  I had already made the switch from dairy milk to almond milk (I find it much more palatable), but...

Bad news:  ...whey ice cream and coconut milk yogurt are kinda gross.  I was so psyched that I found them at the supermarket, but after tasting them today, I'm less than elated.  However...  

Good news:  ...this is my first experiment with them, so there may yet be hope.

oOo

So, kids, the moral of the story is this:  Try to be more understanding of people who claim to have the latest, "trendy" conditions.

But I still disapprove of whining.