Christmas Carols

Here we are at the end of yet another year.  What have I accomplished?  Very little indeed!  Despite my best attempts at procrastination (I am physically incapable of putting things off until the last minute), I always find myself on circuit overload at this time of year.  Holiday preparations are underway; the semester is wrapping up (as if I didn't get enough schooling when I myself was in school, I now work at an institute of higher education); my workout routine is in transition from outdoor running to outdoor freezing; the list continues.  However, in spite of all the chaos that the post Thanksgiving season brings, it still is, in fact, "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year."

Although my mom and I both rival Buddy the Elf in Christmas cheer, there are a few things that I do hate about the season.  I dearly love it when the local radio stations switch from their regular programming to old Bing Crosby hits and enthusiastic renditions of "Sleigh Ride," but there are a handful of Christmas carols that I positively loathe.  Today -because there were no Nutter Butter Cookies left over in the staff break room- I am in just the cranky mood to list them for you.

Behold, the 5 crappiest Christmas songs ever to curse the airwaves:

(These are real ear-bleeders, folks.)

5.  Same Old Lang Syne:  At Christmas time, I am a little more forgiving of juvenile melodies.  However, this song sounds like a second grader composed it.  Plus, the lyrics are just dumb.  And, there are no fun actions to do to go along with this song for babies.

4.  Merry Christmas (War is Over):  Any song where the lyrics include "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" (not the pretty opera "ah" as in "aha" or "almond," but "aaaahhh" as in "apple" or "Eeegads, when will this damn song be over?") merits a place on this list.  Christmas will not be merry until the song is over, so I'd like to suggest an alternate title:  Merry Christmas (Song is Over).

3.  Last Christmas:  No one can deny the romantic overtones of Wham! singing to their boyfriends, but please "save" us all "from tears" and stop it.

2.  My Grown Up Christmas List (Amy Grant, or any other sappy wacko who sings this "song"):  Let's be real.  Speak up if you would ever ask Santa for "no more lives torn apart" and that "wars would never start" over a flat screen or an iPhone.  (Crickets.)  Yeah, that's what I thought.  This is America, kids.  We thrive on war and consumerism.

1.  Christmas Shoes:  Not only is this the. worst. Christmas. song. ever., but it is also the worst. song. ever.  I said it.  To make myself seem even more despicable, what kind of a brat asks a stranger in the store to buy him something?  Honestly!  This kid is so entitled that instead of getting a job, he preys on last minute shoppers (which is also inexcusable) to buy him shit under the guise that he wants his mom to look nice when she "meets Jesus tonight."  Not only does this song promote bad manners, but it calls into question the omniscience of Jesus.  He sees everything, so he wouldn't be impressed by Christmas shoes.  Furthermore, if your mom is dying, how about buying her a pizza or a snuggie?  If I'm on my deathbed, the last thing I want is an uncomfortable pair of shoes.  So, in addition to being a mooch, the kid is a bad gift-giver.  Look, we're in the middle of a financial crisis and we're all making cutbacks.  If the damn shoes are soooooo important, perhaps he could buy just one shoe and "Mama" could stand on one foot when she meets Jesus.  That way, it looks like she has on a great pair of red shoes for half the price.  Come on.

And there you have it!  I hope that you never hear these songs again, but if you live on planet earth, I fear that you will.  Just remember to keep your earplugs handy.