Pretty

As the month of March -Women's History Month- comes to a close, I find myself wondering in what ways I have been womanly recently.  Of course, in order to answer that question, we would first need to define what it means to be "womanly", and that is much easier said than done.  Most women would probably not agree on the definition of this term.  I think, however, that we can all agree that having a uterus ain't for pussies.  (Get the double entendre?  You should.  It was not subtle.)  As women, we have far more freedoms and opportunities than ever before, but there is a lot more pressure on us to "have it all".  I know I have commented on this before and I don't anticipate stopping any time soon...so contend with that or quit reading.  As I try to navigate womanhood myself, I also have a daughter to teach.  I know that she is watching me as I struggle to keep it tight (literally and metaphorically), and I want her to see through my actions how to prioritize the things that matter in life, how to push through a period and still dominate, how to be fierce and independent, but also gracious and compassionate.  I want my son to look at me and see my sense of self-respect, my dignity, and my mind so that he can not only know how a woman deserves to be treated, but also so that he can learn how a woman of character and integrity looks and behaves.

This isn't easy, especially with the constant and even subconscious images that show us how a woman "should" look, behave, think, talk, live, dress, eat, approach sex, parenthood, or her career.  It's a daily struggle not to get caught up in all of the pressure myself as I have this (internal) conversation with the world...

World:  Hey, Anouchka.
Anouchka:  Oh hey, World.  What's up?
World:  Anouchka, do you want to be attractive?  
Anouchka:  Of course I do, World.  You know that.  
World:  Would you like to dress like money is of little importance and live in a big, beautiful house?  
Anouchka:  Oh yeah.  I'd love a new wardrobe and would be over the moon with more space.  We could even get a dog!  I saw this house near me online; it has an indoor gym and an indoor lap pool.  I could go swimming all year round in.my.house!
World:  Do you want to exude confidence in your relationships and career?  
Anouchka:  Most definitely.  Doesn't everyone?
World:  Do you want people to look at you and think you have it all together?  
Anouchka:  Yes, because I do want to "have it all together".   
World:  Do you want to be pretty?  
Anouchka:  Pretty?  Well yeah, of course I do.  I already said I wanted to be attractive.
World:  Yeah, but do you want to be pretty?  Like, do you want to be gorgeous?  Stop traffic?  Catch Habibi's attention?  Maybe even get attention from other men and make Habibi jealous so that your marriage could be more exciting?  Show him how to really appreciate you?
Anouchka:  Ummm, I mean yeah.  I want some of that stuff.  But I don't want anyone to get hurt.  I mean, yes I want to feel good about the way I look and of course I want Habibi to look at me that way...but I'm not really interested in other men looking at me that way.
World:  OK, well, I hate to break it to you, but you possess none of the qualities we just talked about.  You are OK looking, but you don't have nice clothes or a great house.  Your relationships are decent, but they could be better.  You clearly do not have it all together.  Maybe if you were prettier, those other things would work out for you.  Like, what if you looked like her?  I'm sorry, but you just aren't empirically great to look at.  In fact, here's a list I made of all the things that are wrong with you.
Anouchka:  Damn, World.  When did you get to be such a bitch?
World:  Truth hurts.

The older I get, the more I realize that yes, the world is, in fact, quite the bitch.  Fortunately, age has also expanded my definition of crushing it as a woman.  Don't get me wrong; if someone called me pretty, I would certainly be flattered.  It's just that I can't seem to shrug off what a superficial concept it is.  Quantifying or qualifying someone's appearance without knowing a thing about them?  It seems more frivolous than a word like "beautiful" or even "sexy", but on par with "cute".  I don't know, maybe I'm giving this word too much power and the real problem lies with my obsession with words.  I mean, my Bachelor's degree really just enabled me to write long-ass papers in two different languages about books that I may or may not have actually read.  So yeah, words are sort of my thing.  The word "pretty" somehow seems to me to be simultaneously complimentary and demeaning, like "That beauty queen is pretty" (read: "She looks nice, but empty").  Does anyone else get that vibe?

Regardless, I've been thinking lately.  When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see a "pretty" girl.  Like millions of other women around the world, I almost always feel inadequate in some way.  I wouldn't consider myself a troll, but some people would say my features are too long or too angled.  My hair isn't silky, but thick and sometimes coarse and beginning to become peppered with greys.  Even the brown is turning to more of a dull ash, as compared to my formerly more lustrous dark brown with slightly red undertones.  My skin is midway between menopause and puberty; you too can develop dandruff on your face in your thirties.  I'm short, my legs haven't been the same since pregnancy seven years ago, I'm scarred all over (especially my midsection), I have stretchmarks and cellulite, my feet are weird, my belly button is fake, I sweat at the thought of outdoor temperatures above 60 degrees, I have a sway back, and I look like a Wookiee if I don't shave.  I have a ghetto booty and have to work h-a-r-d to maintain a fitness level of mediocrity. 

When I examine what I have or what I have accomplished, it's equally disappointing.  After 10+ years of marriage, Habibi and I are nowhere closer to buying our dream home, a roomier car, or even to taking our family on a nice trip.  Our retirement is a joke.  Despite having three degrees between the two of us and a work ethic that rivals that of beavers, our jobs are largely unimpressive.

But wait a mo.  When did these become the gold standards of beauty, happiness, or success?  Sure, I'd love to have a big house, a luxury car, money to take my kids overseas, and a secure future...but we don't.  Yes, I wish I had narrower hips, shinier hair, a bigger thigh gap, and better skin...but I don't.  I have what I have and I look the way I look.

In light of this, and of my love for adjectives, I've decided to come up with a new metric.  Below (in no particular order) are 50 words or phrases I would prefer over "pretty" to describe me, and all people really.  What would bring me even greater joy would be to hear these words used to describe my children, and (potential) future daughter/son-in-law.

1. Surly - I know it isn't an ideal word, but I'm going to begin my list with complete honesty.  If I could describe myself in one word, this would be it.  No fronting here, that's who I am.
2. Honest
3. Intelligent
4. Savvy
5. Kind - Not nice.  Big difference.
6. Loving - Again, this isn't necessarily affectionate.  I know I'm rather aloof, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't give my blood for someone I might not necessarily want to hug.  (Confession: I really only ever get physically affectionate with my kids, Habibi, and animals.  Mostly animals.)
7. Generous
8. Compassionate
9. Resilient - I have been through soooome shit, both mental and physical.  But, for every knockout blow I have been dealt, I have pulled my ass back up again.  I have not done it by myself, but I'm still here, right?
10. Witty
11. Tough
12. Strong
13. Cosmopolitan - Can find something to share with anyone, anywhere.
14. Capable
15. A person of integrity
16. Open - In my life experience, I have learned that it is only by being open to ideas, languages, people, and other cultures that we can respectfully and lovingly share our own.  This doesn't mean we have to love -or even accept- something we see as innately wrong, but it allows us to recognize the human being on the other side of the coin and, sometimes, lovingly disagree with them.
17. Conscientious - Able to recognize (and sometimes even meet) the needs of others.
18. Intuitive
19. Creative
20. Articulate
21. Fierce
22. Protective - At last check, I was an INFJ.  What can I say?  Being possessive protective is in my nature.
23. Exciting
24. Adventurous - A love for stability, order, and security (since becoming a mom), has resulted in Anouchka the Adventurer falling dormant.  She isn't dead, however, only sleeping...
25. Ripped - Wishful thinking.
26. Funny
27. Well-read
28. Well-traveled
29. Loyal
30. Worthy of a Viking funeral - Because that's badass.
31. Energetic
32. Determined
33. Clever
34. Hospitable
35. Scrappy
36. Driven
37. Proud - Not prideful, mind you.  For my francophones, think fière instead of orgueilleuse.
38. Meticulous
39. Fun
40. Talented
41. Curious
42. Intellectual
43. Inquisitive
44. Faithful
45. Trustworthy
46. Thrifty
47. Inviting
48. Genuine
49. Stubborn - In the best possible way.  Or maybe the worst.  I do what I want.
50. Good at ___ (break dancing/making hummus/telling knock-knock jokes/something).

I do believe that some of these adjectives could be used to describe me, but many are just indicative of what I desire to be true.  You can decide for yourself without telling me please...or you'll harsh my mellow.  The bottom line is that it matters little whether or not the world considers me "pretty" or "womanly".  What matters is this:  Am I worthy of my womanhood?  I hope so.  I think the fact that I'm continuing the struggle to model these 50 descriptors to my kids means that I'm on the right track.