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The Kneed to Vent (HAHA! A pun!)

I want to rant and rave about my injury frustrations.  As the merry days of spring and extended sunlight brighten the northern hemisphere with cheer, I find myself wanting to bang my head against the wall until my body will cooperate with my mind.

I know.  Effective.

If you will recall one of my more recent posts about running, I had a few hypothetical diagnoses.  Turns out, I was right on the mark with Option #1:  Patellofemoral Pain Syndrome (PFPS, a.k.a. "runner's knee").  Basically, this injury involves a knee cap ("patella") that doesn't track properly in the "patellofemoral groove," which is the space between the knobs ("condyles") on your thigh bone ("femur").  What happens as a result is a painful grinding of bone on bone (patella on condyle).  PFPS is a treatable injury but, as with all running-related injuries, it takes time.  And sometimes, that "time" is indefinite.

%#*^!#$%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, in the meantime, I am "resting" and doing a few different exercises to strengthen various muscle groups around the knee cap.  The bottom line is this:  I don't get to run.  I need to train my muscles to hold my knee cap in place so it will glide the way it is supposed to.  Easier said than done.

As I mentioned, the weather is getting nicer outside and I'm beginning to resent it.  No, I am not a Hemingway-loving, sun-hating, broody, unshowered hipster.  (I was into not showering before it was cool...)  I am just depressed because I see all my fellow runners hitting the pavement and taking advantage of the beautiful weather, while I am stuck, sitting on my ass (doing leg lifts!) and wallowing in my own bitterness.

THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE ME!!!!  WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

In all seriousness, though, it is sort of like salt in the wound when I see people out jogging and enjoying the day.  I get spring fever just as much as the next person, so I find myself stewing at the fact that I can't even go for a walk without aggravating my knees.  Really, I went for a short stroll (about 10-15 minutes) a couple of weeks ago and spent FIVE DAYS recovering from it.

I hope it snows a hundred feet next week.

No I don't.

As I listen to myself complain day after day, I notice that most of my everyday contacts are also growing increasingly (yet understandably) tired of hearing me grumble.  But you, Internet, are obligated to listen (though you, as a reader, are not)!

Here is what my fantasy conversation would be:

Me:  Hey, Internet.

Internet:  Oh, hey Penelope [Cruz]!

Me:  (giggling) Oh, Internet!  You flatterer!  I don't look like Penelope!

Internet:  Well, according to Wikipedia you do.  But, if you ask me, I think you are much more talented, sexy, exotic, graceful, eleg--

Me:  Stop it, Internet!

Internet:  --ant, sophisticated, charm--

Me:  Internet, you're making me blush.

Internet:  --ing, and articulate.  Plus you have way better hair and a great caboose.

Me:  Ah shucks.  You're too kind.

Internet:  I'm not kind, just honest.  Remember, this is how I was programmed.

Me:  Well, I guess I can't argue with that.  Anyway, what was I going to ask you?  Oh yeah!  My knees hurt and I want to run but I can't until they're better.  Got any ideas?

Internet:  Of course!  Here is a website chock full of quick fixes and instant gratification that don't require any extra work on your part!  And, the best part is, you'll be faster than ever before...just like you had been training all winter!  Plus, your fitness level will not have deteriorated in the least during your 5+ month hiatus.

Me:  Thanks, Internet!  You're the best.

Internet:  Any time, Anouchka.  PS - You look super ripped.

THE END.

Wasn't that a great conversation?   

Now, here is how it really went down:

Me:  So, my knees are still bothering me.  I've been doing the exercises and the pain hasn't really gone away, but it has sort of just shifted to another part of my knee.

Doctor:  Have you been able to run at all?

Me:  Nope.  I went for a short walk the other day and spent five days getting over it.

Doctor:  Day-amn!  What are we at now?  Five months?

Me:  Yup.  Going on six.

Doctor:  (comes over and manipulates my knee)  You have more [some technical term to describe the bubble wrap-like crackling sensation in my knee] than most young people..........I think I'll refer you to a physical therapist.  There are some taping techniques that might work.

THE END.

Long story short (too late) the doctor is nice and knows his shit, but I didn't get my quick fix from him.  Or any flattery.

I know you're dying to know what happens next, so I'll keep you posted.  However, if I catch you running in my neighborhood, I'll take it as a personal rub-it-in-my-face insult and I will probably throw rocks at you.  I'm just sayin'.  Love and kisses!!!

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