A week ago today, my yahbah (dad) finagled an additional ultrasound for me through one of the residents he works with at the university hospital where he is employed. (Hee haw! Shookran, Yahbah!) Sometimes, it pays to be manipulative.
Later that day, I had another pre-natal appointment. When I spoke with my doctor about the ultrasound, he informed me of the three estimated due dates that they had on record from the various clinical due date calculators they use in his office: December 27, 30 and 31. The ultrasound reading stated that Hulk's ETA would be December 30, though she won't technically be considered "late" until January 1.
Today is December 30. Still no signs of drama.
These past two nights have been quite gruesome, to say the least. Saturday night, I spent breathing through intense pelvic cramps between sips of apple juice to keep my mouth from over drying. Sunday night (last night), I was up every 30-60 minutes or so, grinding my teeth through the sensation that someone was driving a flaming semi loaded with cement through my lower back.
After spending some time researching these two experiences, all I can say is that I'm no more informed than I was before. Yes, I understand that both of these symptoms are signs of impending labor, but that can be in as little as a few hours away to as much as (God forbid) two weeks away! The worst part about all this is that I am undergoing acute pain for zero results (no baby yet), while simultaneously getting geared up to go into labor already sleep-deprived. Add to this the fact that I'm coming down with some sort of scratchy, phlegmy throat thing combined with a tickling that hurts in my abs every I cough or clear my throat. Furthermore, Habibi has to go back to work on Thursday (he took his accumulated vacation for the year during the week of our due date), I'm supposed to go back on February 1 (impossible if Hulk ends up coming two weeks late!), and I'm running out of steam from lugging around these extra 30 pounds that are almost exclusively in my belly. (Don't believe me? I have the stretch marks to prove it. Damn things are so dense that my stomach just looks severely bruised.) At this point, I'm beyond caring about Hulk arriving before January 1 for the tax break; I just want her to come so that I can go on with my life. I'm tired of feeling like the sleeping gorillas at the zoo with their oversized guts and drooping lower lips.
But it's all good. Nothing a nice glass of red wine can't fix. Oh wait, not that...
Maybe a cup of herbal tea? Hang on a minute. Is that made with German chamomile, or Roman chamomile? What part of the nettles are being used? How is the dandelion cultivated? Where does the ginger come from? These things are important, you know.
No matter. We'll just do a decaf green or black tea. OK fine. But if you decide you want a flavored one, make sure you know what's in the proprietary blend of "natural flavorings." Or, if you want an Earl Grey, just know that oil of bergamot is not recommended. Basically if you drink it, it means you hate your baby.
Hmmm. Maybe some juice? Do you really think that all that added sugar is a good idea right now, fatty?
FINE! What if I eat some spicy foods? That's supposed to help induce labor naturally, right? Well, sort of. It hasn't been proven. It might just give you the squirts, and God help you (and the poor medical team) if you go into labor with diarrhea. Just make sure you don't do any food trucks, or any of those authentic hole-in-the-wall joints that you typically love. Also, if you do spicy Asian food, make sure there are no raw sprouts in it. And if you want anything with fish, make sure you double check the FDA and/or the American Pregnancy Association's lists of unsafe seafood with high mercury levels. Also, you should ask the server where they get their fish, so you can know that it's a reliable source and not one of those places that lies about the type of fish that they're serving. You don't want any of that stuff they call "tilapia" that is actually some other breed of fish that has been swimming around in human feces all day. And if you get Mexican food, remember that queso blanco, queso fresco and panelo are off limits, unless you want your baby to get listeria. You don't want your baby to get listeria, do you? Don't forget that spicy foods are often really salty, and you're already looking pretty bloated to me. Remember the dead lady in the bathtub, Mrs. Massey in Room 217, from The Shining? If that's the kind of bloated look you're going for, then go ahead. Indulge.
OK then. Maybe I'll do a nice soak in the tub. Bright idea, genius. With your belly? Good luck getting OUT of that one...
Point taken. Maybe I'll take a hot shower or give myself a facial. Are you going for the Worst Mother of the Year award? You do know about the dangers of beauty products causing developmental disabilities in babies, right? Just make sure that none of your products have too much salicylic acid or benzoyl peroxide in them. Or retinoids. Or evening primrose. Or borage seed oil. Or...
Shut up, brain! Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!!!! I'm just going to go snuggle with Alice and Betty on the couch. Good idea. I hope you haven't been the one cleaning the litter box during your pregnancy. There are toxins in cat feces that can...
Suffice it to say, I'm ready to have this baby. Tomorrow would be fine. Today would be great. Yesterday would be better.
Can't wait to experience all the dos and don'ts that accompany breastfeeding.
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| That's the hand at the top, giving a "thumbs up" |
Today is December 30. Still no signs of drama.
These past two nights have been quite gruesome, to say the least. Saturday night, I spent breathing through intense pelvic cramps between sips of apple juice to keep my mouth from over drying. Sunday night (last night), I was up every 30-60 minutes or so, grinding my teeth through the sensation that someone was driving a flaming semi loaded with cement through my lower back.
After spending some time researching these two experiences, all I can say is that I'm no more informed than I was before. Yes, I understand that both of these symptoms are signs of impending labor, but that can be in as little as a few hours away to as much as (God forbid) two weeks away! The worst part about all this is that I am undergoing acute pain for zero results (no baby yet), while simultaneously getting geared up to go into labor already sleep-deprived. Add to this the fact that I'm coming down with some sort of scratchy, phlegmy throat thing combined with a tickling that hurts in my abs every I cough or clear my throat. Furthermore, Habibi has to go back to work on Thursday (he took his accumulated vacation for the year during the week of our due date), I'm supposed to go back on February 1 (impossible if Hulk ends up coming two weeks late!), and I'm running out of steam from lugging around these extra 30 pounds that are almost exclusively in my belly. (Don't believe me? I have the stretch marks to prove it. Damn things are so dense that my stomach just looks severely bruised.) At this point, I'm beyond caring about Hulk arriving before January 1 for the tax break; I just want her to come so that I can go on with my life. I'm tired of feeling like the sleeping gorillas at the zoo with their oversized guts and drooping lower lips.
But it's all good. Nothing a nice glass of red wine can't fix. Oh wait, not that...
Maybe a cup of herbal tea? Hang on a minute. Is that made with German chamomile, or Roman chamomile? What part of the nettles are being used? How is the dandelion cultivated? Where does the ginger come from? These things are important, you know.
No matter. We'll just do a decaf green or black tea. OK fine. But if you decide you want a flavored one, make sure you know what's in the proprietary blend of "natural flavorings." Or, if you want an Earl Grey, just know that oil of bergamot is not recommended. Basically if you drink it, it means you hate your baby.
Hmmm. Maybe some juice? Do you really think that all that added sugar is a good idea right now, fatty?
FINE! What if I eat some spicy foods? That's supposed to help induce labor naturally, right? Well, sort of. It hasn't been proven. It might just give you the squirts, and God help you (and the poor medical team) if you go into labor with diarrhea. Just make sure you don't do any food trucks, or any of those authentic hole-in-the-wall joints that you typically love. Also, if you do spicy Asian food, make sure there are no raw sprouts in it. And if you want anything with fish, make sure you double check the FDA and/or the American Pregnancy Association's lists of unsafe seafood with high mercury levels. Also, you should ask the server where they get their fish, so you can know that it's a reliable source and not one of those places that lies about the type of fish that they're serving. You don't want any of that stuff they call "tilapia" that is actually some other breed of fish that has been swimming around in human feces all day. And if you get Mexican food, remember that queso blanco, queso fresco and panelo are off limits, unless you want your baby to get listeria. You don't want your baby to get listeria, do you? Don't forget that spicy foods are often really salty, and you're already looking pretty bloated to me. Remember the dead lady in the bathtub, Mrs. Massey in Room 217, from The Shining? If that's the kind of bloated look you're going for, then go ahead. Indulge.
OK then. Maybe I'll do a nice soak in the tub. Bright idea, genius. With your belly? Good luck getting OUT of that one...
Point taken. Maybe I'll take a hot shower or give myself a facial. Are you going for the Worst Mother of the Year award? You do know about the dangers of beauty products causing developmental disabilities in babies, right? Just make sure that none of your products have too much salicylic acid or benzoyl peroxide in them. Or retinoids. Or evening primrose. Or borage seed oil. Or...
Shut up, brain! Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!!!! I'm just going to go snuggle with Alice and Betty on the couch. Good idea. I hope you haven't been the one cleaning the litter box during your pregnancy. There are toxins in cat feces that can...
ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can't wait to experience all the dos and don'ts that accompany breastfeeding.
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