Things I Shoulda Said

Most (both) of you faithful readers know what I do for a living, but on the off chance that someone whom I don’t have the pleasure of knowing personally is reading this blog, allow me to preface today’s post with a little about my professional life.  I am a low-level employee at a small college.  I work as an administrative assistant in the academic department at this fine institution amidst some of the most lovable (and –in some cases– the most annoying) people.  (Yes!  You too can earn a liberal arts degree and be the office bitch in a variety of settings!)   Unfortunately, I am just a step above the "coffee and donuts" girl.  Why, you ask, is that unfortunate?  Well, at least if I had that job, I could leave my desk and use the company card to get my own coffee.

Or smoothie.

Or gin.

But seriously, I am indeed blessed with great co-workers, unbeatable flexibility, job security in the fact that my boss appreciates me (surely he must be afraid of me?) and enough independence that allows me to peruse Pinterest on a near-daily basis.  Truly, I cannot complain.

Nevertheless, I do.

My primary function as an admin in this department is to assist the college’s Academic Dean.  Sometimes (but not often), I also assist the faculty in various capacities.  For the most part, faculty members do their own work, but on occasion, one will abuse his/her (usually his, as the women with whom I work can actually tie their own shoes) status and ask me to do something that really isn’t a part of my job.  Normally, I don’t mind helping and they are grateful for it.  (Truthfully, the joke is on them because it usually takes them longer to describe what they want done than it would for them to do it themselves.  HAHAHAHA!  Oh, that’s not funny?  OK.)

Anyway, last week, one of my co-workers shrewdishly decided to take advantage of my generous nature (HA!) and asked me to reserve a flight for a guest lecturer - heretofore known as G.L.  (Let’s refer to my co-worker as “Professor Jack E. Ass, Esq.”… for the sake of anonymity of course.)  Graciously, I obliged, despite the fact that it is no easy feat wrestling the institution’s credit card from our Chief Financial Officer - a task that I had already had the misfortune of needing to accomplish twice within that same week.

After an intense battle of wills, I was named the victor of obtaining said card.  (BOOM!)  Not wanting to further piss off our C.F.O., I booked the most reasonably priced flight.  Furthermore, this flight was the only one that also fit within Jack Ass, Esq.'s specified time requirements for arrival/departure of G.L.  (BOOM!  BOOM!)  Everyone wins!

Or so I thought…

Yesterday afternoon, Jack Ass, Esq. stopped by my desk for two reasons.  First, he wanted to thank me for booking the flight.  (Smiley smiley, “oh sure, no problem,” smiley smiley - even though inside I am rolling my eyes in the most obtuse manner imaginable.)  Secondly, he wanted to bitch about why I didn’t get a direct flight.

Now, I will say this:  The city from which G.L. was traveling is only about 8-10 hours from here by car.  Ideally, there would have been a direct flight since it is so close, but there were none that fit within the budget NOR within the specified time range, so I had to find a compromise.  This particular flight had a stop with a one hour layover (both to/from), but it was far better than some of the other options that I found.

I’m sure this will surprise you, but I didn’t have a witty, caustic response for the most entitled beggar I have had the “pleasure” of meeting.  I would love to tell you that I told him off for being a pompous turd about something that I did for him as a favor, but I would be lying.  Fortunately, I had the soundness of mind to remind him that I had the C.F.O. breathing down my neck about costs, but that was all I could muster.

Later that day, I found myself reflecting on this incident, going over the things that I wished I had said.  Isn’t it just the pits when you think of the “what I should have saids” too late in the game?  Fortunately (if you are still reading this after my lengthy lead-in), I can share those with you.

Without further adieu, allow me to present to you a list of things I wish I had said (as inspired by the “What I Should’ve Said Theatre” from Saved By The Bell) to Jack Ass, Esq. for winning first prize in the Dick of the Week Competition :

Curtain opens on an office setting.

Jack Ass, Esq.:  …for future reference, could we not get a direct flight for our guests coming from cities this close?  I don’t think they’ll want to come here if they have layovers.  (Note the overuse of italics.)

Anouchka:

Option #1 – Direct but polite

Well, you had very specific times for your guest and this was the only available flight within our budget. 

Option #2 – I don’t care because it’s your problem, not mine.

Hmmm.  That will be a tough one for you to explain to G.L., won’t it?

Option #3 – Pointedly pissed

For future reference, book your own damn flights.  Good day, sir.

Option #4 – Aggressively French

            Fiche-moi la paix, gros con! 

*I would probably never say this one (out loud) in English to a co-worker, but I have thought it many-a-time.

Option #5 – Childish

            You’re a butthead.     

Option #6 – Jokingly sarcastic albeit somewhat passive-aggressive

            I sold my theatre, so I don’t need your drama.

*I just heard this one for the first time today.  Why oh why didn’t I hear it yesterday!  Too little, too late. >:(

            Option #7 – Back off.  Now.  Or I will cut you.

            Bitch, please.

End scene.